57 Fun New Year’s Resolutions for 2024

Remember all the innocent and enthusiastic jokes we made about our 2024 vision boards now that the hellscape of 2023 was behind us and replaced by the new 365 days? How ignorant we are, right? The past year hasn’t been much better, and if we’re honest, it often feels like it will never end. It’s just like this now! We’re on the brink of a brand new year, but please help us, Kris Jenner, we don’t approach it with a “you’re doing great, honey” attitude. No, we will approach 2025 with a little more wisdom and enough sarcasm to weather whatever storm awaits us in the new year. This mindset means we have to adjust our New Year’s resolutions a little bit. Less “new year, new me” and more “2025, you have to earn my respect!”
To soothe your soul and put a smile on your face, we’ve put together a list of some fun New Year’s resolutions that are better suited to the Roaring Twenties we actually lived through than we imagined. Hopefully they inspire you to write down your own hilarious resolutions that you definitely don’t have to stick to until after New Year’s Eve.
Fun New Year’s Resolutions for 2025
- Stop doom scrolling on Twitter.
- Live my best life and only buy pants without links or zippers.
- After six months of being a vegetarian, it was inevitable to give up.
- Stock up on fresh fruits and vegetables and eat them before they turn into the green mystery slime in the back of the refrigerator.
- Signing up for a marathon that I’m brave enough not to actually run.
- Unfollow all the Kardashians, but keep up.
- Remembered to make overnight oats the night before even though I knew I didn’t want to eat them in the morning.
- Go on a vitamin and supplement shopping spree and finish at least one bottle before giving up.
- Buy any remaining 2024 calendars and burn them.
- Go outside. In *gulps* of fresh air.
- Picking up a movie on Netflix quickly and decisively so I can hit play before falling asleep.
- Replaced all my heels with flats.
- Refusing to acknowledge the entire year of 2024 at social gatherings.
- Manage to accidentally say “love you” to a random person on the phone at the end of a call 24/7. Although the scheduler at my dentist’s office does seem to appreciate this.
- Never take a HomeGoods trip for granted, not once, not ever.
- Unfriend people who proactively share their eating or exercise habits.
- When I take a break, please take a few more days off and delete Slack from my phone.
- Become the sarcastic goat.
- Following Gina Linetti’s advice and turning my tweets into a book.
- Don’t buy out all the butternut squash gnocchi once Trader Joe’s restocks them. Leave some for other shoppers.
- Sharing my New Year’s Eve champagne.
- Have eyebrows that are symmetrical like in a Wes Anderson movie.
- Keep kicking ass and taking names because detailed record keeping is important.
- Doing so much yoga, I actually have a reason to wear yoga pants 24/7.
- Made so many baked goods for my close friends that they started calling me Martha Stewart.
- Read more (or at least turn on subtitles while watching TV).
- Carefully read all the instructions on a box of food before throwing it away so I don’t have to go dumpster diving in the middle of making Burger Helper.
- Just accept that John Mayer is approaching 50.
- Don’t reply to that toxic person’s text. You know the one. us all There is one.
- No shame in farting in front of my teammates.
- Stopping lists involves making more lists.
- Eat more tortillas.
- Using every spare wrapping paper tube I came across as a makeshift lightsaber.
- I stayed in the bathroom while I brushed my teeth.
- I stopped drinking orange juice after I brushed my teeth.
- Stop encouraging people to lick frozen flagpoles.
- It’s okay to not have to drive multiple times to buy groceries. The human arm can only hold so much.
- Floss every day—and not just like crazy in the week before cleaning.
- Find out more reasons to use the word “realistic”.
- Book that bougie trip, girl.
- In fact, dress up in full attire during Zoom calls (although let’s be honest, business tops and pajamas bottoms never hurt anyone).
- Don’t feel the need to make awkward small talk while waxing.
- Stop forcing my family to make New Year’s resolutions. Word to the wise: Eight-year-old DGAF.
- I will no longer tell the same jokes when I meet up with friends. Or I’ll make new friends.
- I will no longer say “Well, that’s nice” when I’m being checked at the airport. It seems that this is just provoking them.
- I will drink more. Benjamin Franklin seems to have said that beer is proof of God’s love.
- Tell more people to get lost.
- Be a versatile friend. I’m going to brunch, lunch, the beach… pretty much anything that ends in -ch or something. Just hit me.
- Don’t blame the family dog for every weird smell in the house (especially when I know it’s coming from me).
- Instead of lurking awkwardly in front of a can of peas at the grocery store for 10 minutes, pretending to read the damn Le Sueur label for the 100th time, just because someone pulled up in front of a can of vegetables that I actually needed. I’ll walk around. Come around again. You know, in a not-so-secret way.
- Reading the book I brought to the beach. But, seriously.
- using every ounce of willpower I have to no Pressing the elevator button repeatedly tried to make it go faster, but to no avail.
- When the doctor asks me how many drinks (alcoholic or caffeinated) I drink in a month, tell the doctor the truth.
- Singing every Taylor Swift song I heard all year. No sense of shame. No regrets.
- Give my puppy more words of encouragement.
- I will stop procrastinating. You know, after next week.
- Stop googling symptoms.
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