My daughter is three years old. This means she says funny things, tells me she loves me and real That’s it, she amazes me every day how much she knows and knows about the world and overall she is the cutest thing in the world. She also tested my patience on a daily basis, getting mad at me and telling me to “go away!” with a scowl on her face that could pierce the strongest heart. Some mornings she wakes up and chooses violence, and our family is thrown into chaos.

It’s so hard to be three years old and it’s hard to live with it.

Even so, whether her meltdown was over the exact right thing or because I had to tell her the dreaded word “no,” I would never put her in a timeout.

Timeouts may have been standard practice in previous generations, and they still are for many families. But for us, my husband and I have found that it doesn’t work well to have her spend time looking in a corner or sitting in her room when she feels completely overwhelmed. Nor do we want to tell her that having feelings is a punishable sin.

Now, this doesn’t mean we let our child scream, yell, and hit us when she can’t regulate. When she’s on the verge of (or has) lost her powers, she still needs to pause and reset. We just don’t leave her alone while she’s there. Instead, we practice “timing.”

Research shows that what most people call “pause” able Be effective. “Decades of research have shown that time-out is associated with reduced aggressive behavior, increased child compliance, and enhanced generalization of appropriate behaviors across settings,” said Brett Enneking, MD, clinical assistant professor of pediatrics, HSPP Child Development Research Center, in a 2020 wrote one study.

However, traditional suspension also has its drawbacks. “Common criticisms include that time-out increases emotional dysregulation, fails to teach children pain-bearing skills, isolates them when they need support, and may re-traumatize children who have experienced abuse,” Enneking explains. Additionally, there are concerns Parents may fail to implement time-out correctly, leading to inappropriate and compulsive use of time-out.

Input: time.

Based on Trust-Based Relationship Intervention (TBRI), an emotion regulation tool developed at Texas Christian University, time can allow children and their caregivers Together In this moment, work together to calm the chaos rather than isolating the child. Timing creates a safe, trusting space for children to regulate their emotions.

“We promote and teach caregivers to use time-outs instead of time-outs to discipline vulnerable children,” said Casey Call, assistant director of TCU’s Carlin Purvis Institute for Child Development. time. She explains that timing can let children know that their parents are there to help calm you down. On the other hand, a time-out may mean that the child needs to “figure it out on his own.”

When our daughter is screaming, crying, completely out of control, whether in her bedroom or a private corner of the house, we take her aside (sometimes literally) and step back. We found that being with her helped her regain her mood faster than if we had put her in her crib, closed the door, and walked out. We observe, offer help, or take deep breaths with her even as she screams at us to “Go away!” We stay put.

We asked her if she wanted a hug or a glass of water. We usually don’t talk much and just sit on the floor with her. If my husband or I were also losing you know, and needed some emotional regulation of our own, we would give her a basket full of items that would help calm her down, like music, books, coloring pages, and crayons, or sensory irritants.

Then we go and have some rest ourselves.