A funny thing happened when I put my career on hold to raise my kids: I had a hard time answering that most common question: “So, what do you do?” At first, I thought the question was challenging enough on its own, This question is asked by strangers at parties and in school pick-up lines. But I soon discovered that my aimless, unnatural reactions were worse.
In a culture that allows us to define our value and worth through roles outside the family, suddenly I found myself without a professional title that fit me. Instead, I was in an uncertain space, focused on raising my children while also being ambitious about my long-term career. So when I was first faced with the question “What do you do?” I panicked and spat out the word.
The first time I held a wobbly six-month-old in my arms and talked to a hip New Yorker, I could have written a paper about my rise through the corporate ranks and my decision to stay home with Child details. By the time I finished, everyone, myself included, had lost interest. The most obvious response is to say I am a “stay-at-home mom,” but that doesn’t fit or represent my past, my future, or even my daily life. In my previous role, I had a succinct response to running a brand at a tech startup that immediately conveyed creativity and leadership. It doesn’t feel good to say “stay-at-home mom” enough.
Gender studies experts such as Dr. Jodi Vandenberg-Daves, chair of the Department of Race, Gender, and Sexuality Studies at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse, told me that the term “SAHM” was steeped in 1970s feminism. The struggle leaves behind outdated stereotypes. Vandenberg-Daves also noted that the advent of television made Joan Cleaver the most commonly associated with stay-at-home mothers. Sociolinguists added that the phrase applies to stasis, in contrast to the action-oriented verb “work” mom. We no longer need black and white headlines because, as our recent American Moms on Pause survey revealed, the reality is that most women are moving from one to the other, and many are somewhere in between, I call it the “gray area.”
After months of discussion, I answered the question “What do you do?” I found someone who made me feel more comfortable, more confident, and able to hold my own at a table full of ambitious, modern, feminist women. I started by saying, “Now, I can be with my kids. Let’s see what happens next! It’s simple, concise, and conveys the flow, gratitude, and potential I feel in this chapter . I’ll add or replace that last part as things change for me; I’m freelancing, volunteering, exploring what’s next, or eventually, working on a project with my mother.
Here’s what I’ve learned over the years as I revise my answers as my role has evolved inside and outside the family: As a mother, you are so much more than one thing. You are full of energy. This stage of life is complete and can lead you to your next goal. You should believe this and speak up – and get credit for raising your children.
Although my answers became crisper, I also became more confident. It started with some therapy and reframing my own ambition as the act of doing the many things I care about in the long game of life. One by one, I broke down stay-at-home mom tropes for myself and the community of women I built at Untitled Mother.
Ultimately, (or it’s worth noting that she was lucky in many ways, because not everyone can say that) my career pause will not be the end of my career. My daily life doesn’t have to be monotonous and full of supermom standards. I deserve help and support to unlock the potential of this chapter. I built a new network on the playground, off the field, in school, volunteering, and even on Instagram. At the same time, I added to my previous work experience a host of new experiences and skills for everyday parenthood—patience, time management, prioritization, and effective communication. All of this brings me here, seven years after I first retired from my corporate job, and now writing my first book, The Power Pause.
You know what’s weird? As I prepare for my book launch this week, I’m working outdoors more. I still wouldn’t say, “I’m a working mom.” I really like my mid-fluid version; it works for me…right now. So now, when asked what I do, I say: I work on a platform about moms on career breaks and getting ready to launch a book. We’ll see what happens next.
Neha Ruh Yes founder Mother Untitledis a leading platform she founded in 2017 to help ambitious women integrate into family life. , and received an MBA from Stanford University. Mother Untitled recently released its first part american mothers pausea proprietary study of the modern stay-at-home mom. Neha’s first book, power pauseis out now.
