One of the fastest growing “sports” in the world is called slapping. If you’ve never heard of it, you can probably guess what’s going on from the name. The two “attackers” stood facing each other, taking turns opening their hands and slapping each other hard. Whoever lasts the longest without falling or being eliminated wins. Professional tournaments started popping up, with some boxers earning prizes as high as $10,000!
We know that hitting someone in the face with our hands is wrong. But we always do the same thing with words. When asked by Harvard Business School, 84% recalled receiving a sarcastic compliment. Our words have the power to sting, even unintentionally. This reminds us that we should always be careful about what we say and how we say it, especially in front of the people we love most. A backhanded compliment may not look as bad as the stiff right hand of the person slapping you, but we should keep our mouths shut for the sake of others. Here are 4 sarcastic compliments you may be giving your spouse without even realizing it.
1. “You are a good ____ for someone…”
A good rule of thumb when giving compliments is no way Qualify them. It immediately invites comparison. This is unfair because your spouse is rarely the best or worst at anything. By qualifying your compliments, you’re reminding them of this. Instead, when you compliment your spouse, do it sincerely. “You’re a good____” is sweet enough on its own. No new qualifiers are needed. Point out their successes and do so often.
2. “I’m impressed by your knowledge.”
Our spouses should never assume that we think they are stupid. This kind of compliment actually shows that you set the bar very low for their intelligence. When people are told they are not smart, their self-esteem takes a hit. That’s why kids call each other stupid on the playground. Don’t treat your spouse like a child. Look for opportunities to praise his or her ideas. Our spouses should never doubt that we respect, appreciate, and trust them.
3. “You’re feeling much better now ____.”
It’s great to try to improve anything. Maybe your spouse wants to become a more skilled painter, runner, or dancer. It’s usually safe to compliment them on improvements in their interests. But if we give sarcastic compliments to relationship pursuits, it can make your spouse feel belittled. Telling your husband that he’s a better listener now means he wasn’t living up to your standards before. Telling your wife that she cooks better now implies that you once disliked her food. Be careful when commenting on your spouse’s pursuit of advancement. What sounds like flattery to you may sound harsh to them.
4. “I’m surprised you did so well…”
This is a common verbal attack, but to the person saying it, it doesn’t feel like a big deal. But this will communicate to your spouse that you think he or she is limited. You may not really feel it, but that’s what he or she may hear. It opens the door to doubt. When expressing your praise, don’t make your spouse’s accomplishments always seem out of reach.
When have you ever received a sarcastic compliment? Share in the comments.
